How to deal with difficult people: A service user experience

Paula, a service user representative, shares her experience of learning to manage challenging interactions and the power of words.

For many years, I felt conquered by people I found confrontational or aggressive. These weren’t family members or friends, but people we meet in our personal circumstances — at work, or in the normal cut and thrust of everyday life.

Looking back, I gave these people undue power, simply because they were present in certain situations in my life. They weren’t people I knew well, or who knew me well either. But somehow, they decided to exercise some authority over me, trying to get me to behave as they saw fit, or to do what they wanted.

At that time (many years ago), I wasn’t very thick-skinned, and I couldn’t handle confrontation. I always left these interactions feeling diminished in some way, uneasy, and under attack. I didn’t know how to deal with those feelings. I should have asked for advice from my family and friends, but I never did.

Getting into a discussion or even a debate with these aggressive people was never a good idea. They used those situations to become even more aggressive. I always came away feeling worse.

People who behave in that way cause harm and earn the dislike of others. They offend through their words, their raised voices, their expressions, and their anger.

Words and deeds

People often talk about ‘words’ and ‘deeds’ as if they are separate and distinct things. But they’re not. Deeds will always be deeds, but words are also deeds when they have undeniable consequences. Words are deeds when they build up and do good, or when they take away from someone and cause them to feel bad.

The thing about words is that once they are said, they can’t be unsaid. A person might say something harmful, and it can be quoted, shared, or even go viral, reaching millions of people.

If those words are negative, like being disparaging, pejorative, or untrue, they can affect whole countries. Financial markets can suffer. Fortunes can be made or lost. If someone in a position of power or influence says the wrong thing, their words are no longer just words — they’re like projectiles, hitting a target. Whether welcome or not, these words have a power that is out of proportion to what may have started as just an opinion.

The impact of words in everyday life

Among ordinary people, the critical mass, words also have shocking power. Millions of marriages have ended prematurely because of words. Bullying, anger, and manipulation often come down the tracks through words alone.

Words can undermine, dismay, and destroy. How we use words can damage our lives and the lives of others. Words are powerful. They are not nothing — they are something.

When someone is hurting you with words

If someone is bullying you, you need to involve someone who can help. Someone who is not afraid in the face of another person’s unkind or unjust anger. Get help if someone is hurting you through words.

If someone you love is just grumpy, don’t retort. Say to yourself, “let it go, let it go”. Later, in the clear light of day, if something needs to be said, you can say it then.

Some people are grumpy but love you and mean no harm. Nobody is perfect. We don’t live in isolation; we live with flawed and unpredictable people. But we ourselves can be polite and kind and avoid offending others with our words.

Take pity, not offence

I read in a book that was written 800 years ago that if someone is rude or impolite to you (but not bullying or aggressive), you shouldn’t reply angrily. Instead, take pity on them! I thought this was a novel idea!

I try this a lot now. If someone is letting off steam, I just smile to myself and think (not out loud), “I pity you. Imagine getting so wound up over something so small...” It works! And often, the person comes back later and apologises.

Words are a gift

We need to be careful how we use words. Words are a gift. They were always meant to be used as a gift. It’s people who misuse this gift and cause others suffering.

Words in songs can make people feel wonderful. For example:

“I love you just the way you are”
“You were wonderful tonight”
“I will always love you”

Everyone has a favourite song they sing along to or love. That’s why some songs have three billion hits on YouTube. People play them repeatedly. The words, as well as the music, make them feel good. The words bless them. They feel better after hearing them.

Choosing your words

We respond immediately to words. They can change our mood. They can drag us down or lift us up. They can make our relationships feel like heaven, or like hell.

We can’t decide what other people say. But we can decide what we say. We can choose never to use words to hurt, and only to build others up.

Someone else might be having a difficult day and may just need a smile and a kind word from us. Let’s never hold that back. And let’s never use words towards someone else that we wouldn’t want used towards us.

All views and opinions expressed here are the author’s own.