How to silence the inner critic in your head

Paula, a service user representative, shares her insights on the impact of self-criticism and what we can do to silence it.

We all of us want to be happy. It’s the most basic desire of the human heart. Deep within us, we hanker after a utopia where all our dreams come true. 

When I was small, every film on television ended with the caption ‘and they lived happily ever after’. We presumed that was true. After all, shouldn’t everyone be happy? Didn’t we deserve it? We all try so hard every day.

Often tugging away at this state of satisfaction we are seeking is the nagging question or conversation in our own heads that maybe, in fact, we don’t deserve to be happy. We can become our own worst critic. Behaviours we easily pardon in other people, we condemn in ourselves.

The perpetuity, or continuation, of these unhelpful and damning thoughts morph into a negative and judgemental attitude towards ourselves. Sometimes, we are such a harsh and severe self-critic that we no longer like ourselves. This is not a good state to be in: we begin to have a fixed, unmovable image of ourselves in our heads and don’t give ourselves a chance. We condemn small actions - that are usually just the result of absent-mindedness - as though they are serious moral flaws. We blame mistakes that are harmless as though they had serious consequences. Clearly, these approaches to ourselves are unhelpful and unwarranted. 

Mostly, we are far more severe in our treatment of ourselves than other people ever were. Unfortunately, this habit of self-rebuking can become lodged very quickly and easily, and becomes very difficult to dislodge. Many people who are, for example, in middle age, are still being tormented by the same old, damning thoughts about themselves that have existed for decades, and which undermine their happiness.  These thoughts are like a background mantra, which often only switch off during sleep; for the rest of the time, apart maybe from study or work, these self-critical thoughts are in full swing. They debate our merits, and unconsciously berate us for our ‘failure’, ‘half-heartedness’, ‘inadequacy’ and every possible imperfection. 

These thoughts drip-feed us a detestable image of ourselves. They play and prey on any shred of happiness. From somewhere inside they harangue us: ‘It’s too good to be true. It’s all very well for them. You can’t do it.’ Repeated daily, this mantra erodes our self-confidence and stops us in our tracks. It prevents us from being free. It deprives us of joy and happiness. Work well done and achievements made are powerless to build up our self-belief, because these negative and deceptive thoughts squash out the normal, well-deserved thoughts we are entitled to about ourselves.  Before we have the opportunity to repair and embellish our self-esteem, we are robbed, convincingly and thoroughly, by the lies that these thoughts are.

And they are lies: they have no basis in reality. They are complete fiction. There is no benefit in them and they add nothing to our lives. These thoughts analyse our decisions piece-by-piece and never allow us to emerge on the top of the pile. They will always find a way to deflect us from justifiable self-confidence, from self-esteem, from the trappings of success. They beat us internally. Their assault on our feelings is relentless and this constant  barrage accumulates and builds up. Over time, they make significant inroads on our perception of ourselves. 

We would never consider treating anyone else the way we treat ourselves. We wouldn’t be that cruel - but it is possible to silence or supersede these thoughts.  They can be stopped once and for all by repeatedly replacing them by true, real, accurate thoughts. The most important thing is to decide that we have had enough of them, and that we are absolutely determined to dismantle them. Once we have made that choice, we can talk to a consultant or healthcare professional about undertaking a suitable form of therapy or care; look into a self-compassion course; find books to read that will provide practical supports.

It will take time to become free from the barrage of self-criticism, but once we begin to reverse this type of thinking, we are most definitely on the road to success. Over time, we will begin to believe the good thoughts, the truth about ourselves, and a reversal of our opinions about ourselves will become enshrined. The self-critic in our minds will begin to quieten down. 

If you are working to silence your inner critic, be patient with yourself, and believe in the process. Decide today to reach out for help: it is available. It is possible to begin a new journey. Give yourself the gift of a new attitude to yourself: you won’t be sorry.

Paula

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Paula is a member of our Service User and Supporters Council (SUAS). All views and opinions expressed here are the author’s own.